The Guernsey Squirrel

The Guernsey Squirrel
Guernsey Squirrel

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Squirrel Red Alert!



The officials on the island of Guernsey have issued a RED alert for all ten parishes. Last seen on the cliffs of St. Martin, a giant squirrel has been terrorizing residents. Fisherman Clive Derainey said, “I was out on my boat when I saw something coming out of the water. At first, I thought it was a bunch of seaweed, but I was wrong…a giant squirrel…maybe 14 stone…emerged from the water.  I didn’t know the damn things could swim! From the direction it was coming, I could tell it had come from Mainland Britain.”


Squirrels are normally docile, and the Guernsey squirrel is known for being especially easy to tame, however, the extremely large squirrel which has invaded the island  is NOT friendly at all. Many residents have complained of it chasing them, snarling, and exhibiting other aggressive behavior.  Mary Barnes of Saint Peter Port described an encounter she had with it: “I was at Fermain, having a bite to eat, when the squirrel approached me. I was scared at first—it’s about the size of a large man, so I sat very still, thinking it would leave. As it closed in on me, I knew my life was in danger, so I started hissing at it to scare it off. The thing just looked at me and spit on my sandwich!”





If you see the squirrel, it is best not to approach it or try to capture it. Contact the authorities and keep away. At this time, they are beginning to set up a squirrel spotting hotline. When the number has been established, we will pass it on.



Stay safe!